Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Confident, maybe? Getting there...

Here lately, I feel like I have been finding my confidence.  Some people tell me I never lost it, but instead it was just hidden deep down inside.  For the first time in years, I am buying sundresses and cute shoes.  I told a really good friend of mine that I finally felt like I could step up my wardrobe game because I didn't feel like I need to hide anymore.  On the other hand, she still gets on to me because she feels like even though I am not hiding in my clothes anymore, I am still hiding in other ways.  

For those of you who do not know, I am an only child.  For that reason (some may call it an excuse) I have come up with ways to protect myself.  However, those same ways that I protect myself have also been ways for me to keep hiding myself.  I'll just get straight to the point with this one - she gets on to me about having a fear of love (which will be called evol from this point on when referring to relationships).  

Evol has not been good to me and I think a small part of me actually thinks it is evil.  Other than parental and family love, which you should get anyway, I have felt like I have been a prisoner of unrequited evol.  For those of you who don't understand that, that is the type of evol that is not reciprocated.  Basically, it's a one sided relationship.  Don't believe me, go check out Body Prison and that will give you all the stories of that madness.  However, I am woman enough to admit when I have brought things on myself.  

It's been a long time since I've loved myself.  I grew up in a generation where there was pressure to look like the size 2 on the TV and the magazines.  I grew up in a time where if you couldn't shop in certain stores, you were not one of the cool kids.  I grew up in a time when the perfect body was something that was unattainable and unhealthy.  It is just recently that  have decided to embrace myself and love the curves that I have.  Do I wish they were toner curves?  Sure, but I'm working on that.  

I think this really hit me after a conversation I had with another friend of mine.  She said that she could see me having children in a few years.  If I have a little girl and she is "big" for her age, I don't want to be that parent telling her to lose weight because she needs to look a certain way.  I want it to only be because I am worried about her health.  However, if my future little diva sees me freaking about my body because how it looks in clothing, what can I expect her to do?

I want something better for her.  I guess in my own way, I'm not doing all this for myself - I'm doing it for the little girl that will get to call me mom.  I don't want her to see me crying over my body, but I will be there to comfort her if I find her doing the same thing.  I don't want her to see me crying because some man called me fat, but I will comfort her if she should find herself in that situation.  I don't want her to see me doing extreme things to maintain a healthy weight, but I will support her decision in how she plans to deal with her weight, should she have a weight issue.  Like I said, I just want this journey to be better and if possible, easier than mine.  

Personally, I think I would be more confident than I am now if I had someone in my life telling me I was ok, instead of downing me every chance they could get.  Just an fyi, you think strangers talking behind your back is bad, just wait until your family starts talking to you to your face.  That is the absolute worst part of this.  I have had to learn to be confident in that aspect of my life because that wasn't taught to me.  I was taught to be confident at school and work, but being a confident big girl wasn't an option.  I've been told to lose weight all my life.  Why?  I didn't have any health issues, other than asthma, and my life wasn't depending on it.  

My weight issue my entire life has been for aesthetics only.  Most women have a type and I do to and I've been told that the type I like is not going to go for someone like me.  Gee, thanks peeps and family that have told me that - way to bring a person down.  However, I'm sort of glad for that because I've learned that looks aren't everything.  Seriously, just look at me...I can imagine what some people think about me before they get to know me.  

The fact of the matter is that this whole confidence thing is a work in progress.  It gets better each day.  Don't get me wrong, there are still some low days, but my great days far outweigh those.  It's important for me to remember this and for everyone else to do the same - you are perfect how you are and evol will come to you just how you are.  You may not believe it now, but one day you are going to look back and remember that you read this and laugh.  You never know, one of those people looking back at this post might even be me.  

Friday, June 21, 2013

33 months and counting...

There is already a disclaimer about content before you can even enter this blog, but I feel compelled to give one of my own.  This is NOT going to be rated G.  I doubt if I should even call it PG.  I am going to give it the rating of ME because that is what is getting ready to happen - you are going to see me at my most honest form.  I'm afraid to write this.  Quite frankly, I don't know if I should even post it for public viewing, but the fact of the matter is that I've waited a long time to be this open with you and now that I have the nerve, I'm just going to let it be.  Please remember, this is my journey and it is not going to match yours.  In other words, if you decide to comment, play nice.  So, if you don't think this is for you, you might want to turn back now.  However, if you are ready to see another part of my life, continue reading.  Here goes...

The Goddess hasn't been touched in about 3 years.  The only person who has been down there has been a doctor.  (I really hope you have figured out The Goddess by now - don't judge me).  A couple of months ago, I went in for that dreaded yearly exam.  This was my first time seeing my new doctor because I am woman enough to admit that I had not been to the OB/GYN since I changed locations a few years ago.  The Goddess doesn't like to be touched by unfamiliar people and it took a lot for me to finally go see a new doctor.  Well, during my exam, I turned on my iPod to a certain playlist and my goal was to make a grand escape in the music and not worry about what was happening down there.  Needless to say, my grand plan didn't happen.  

I kept moving my feet out the "holders".  I kept trying to close my legs.  I am pretty sure that I almost kicked my doctor.  Him being the medical professional at all, he kept working while my amazing nurse just kept talking to me to try to calm my nerves.  Didn't work.  He kept working, I kept moving, nurse kept talking to (momentarily) deaf ears.  I'm pretty sure even without me saying he could tell from my reaction that The Goddess hadn't seen any action in a while.  After that was over, he laughed and asked, "I bet you don't like me anymore".  I said, "I like you plenty, but I'm glad I only have to see you once a year".  We all laughed, I got dressed, checked out, and left the office.  

However, after my head cleared, this question came to me - should I feel good about being celibate or should I feel embarrassed by it?  For all my Christian readers out there, I hate to disappoint you, but I am leaving religion out of this one.  Yes, I'm a Christian, but the virginity ship sailed for me many moons ago.  For this post, I want to take another angle.  If you wish to continue reading, I'm glad you are.  If you wish to stop right here, I'm sorry that you are about to miss a great piece of work and something that may just open your mind to my life a little bit.  

I get the whole no sex before marriage thing and I commend anyone who is doing that.  All jokes aside, if I would have stayed that course, my life would probably be less complicated right now, but I wouldn't be able to write this post either.  However, back to my question, I do feel good about the decision I have made to be celibate, but did I make my decision by default?  

I could have easily been one of those females that just handed The Goddess out for free, but I'm not.  I believe she belongs to someone who is going to love the person she is attached to.  Love (evol), I'll have to explain that later and it probably deserves another post.  As for making my decision by default, part of me feels like I haven't been sexually active because no one wants to be sexually active with a big girl - well, at least they don't want it to be public knowledge.  It is no big secret that I prefer to be in a relationship with someone before I take that leap and even then it is not going to just happen like that.  I believe in knowing people and hopefully in that process, their true colors will show.  It doesn't always happen like that (trust me, I know from experience), but at least it is a good try.  Relationship wise, I have had no prospects for a boyfriend (well, I don't think - you have to come right out and tell me because I am HORRIBLE at reading signals).  So since I have no prospects, that means no relationship, which means no sex.  

On the other hand, I have been propositioned by two married men.  So that leads me back to my statement about well, at least they don't want it to be public knowledge.  I know it is a different context, but the theme is still the same - you would be hiding the fact that you are sleeping with a big girl (or any other woman for that matter).  So, believe it or not, these two married men got me thinking and as twisted as it may sound, my mind couldn't help but go there.  The next question was am I that big that only people who are interested are those that would never tell on themselves?  You know if they are going to keep a secret from their significant other, they might as well keep it a secret that they life females of the thicker breed.  It's a dangerous thing to get my mind rolling like that.  

So, I'm concerned about being too big, not pretty enough, all those insecurities so it's no wonder that I am not sexually active.  No, I don't do toys.  Remember the song by The New Boys ft Chris Brown?  I like the song, but I actually feel that when it comes to sex, I look better with the lights off.  (Yes, I've been with someone during the daylight and they kept my tummy covered but lowered my top just enough so they could get to my boobs).  Call it what you want, but I've just lived a life where I've been told that everything that doesn't look like me is pretty or sexy.  Yeah, I know I have a cute face, I get it. Thanks for your kind words, even though you are unknowingly (or maybe you do know) throwing the dagger of, but you would be prettier if you were smaller, even though you don't say it.

It's not like I don't think about having sex.  I'm a grown woman.  I have needs.  I like to be touched (and even that hasn't happened in forever).  However, I feel like if I can't stand my rolls, what guy is going to like touching them, especially during sex?  The least I can do for him (if that time ever comes) is turn off the lights - just because he can feel them, it doesn't mean he has to see them.  

Would I like to have sex?  Sure!  What female wouldn't?  I can tell you one person right now I would like to go there with, but they will never know it.  Quite frankly, I don't even tell people I have a crush on them.  Why in the world would I set myself up for rejection like that?  I'm just saying.  Am I possibly missing out on something?  Yep.  But I would much rather miss out on something than get my feelings hurt because I've had about enough of that! 

I don't know, is it rare to be my age (28) and have so few past sexual partners (3)?  Yes, I can count on one hand the number of people I have slept with.   

Don't get me wrong, I've always felt that I made the decision to be celibate when I am not in a committed relationship, but I have also felt that the decision was kind of made for me.  Even though I have lost weight and clothing sizes, even my goal size is considered plus.  Then I am freaked out by all this extra skin because the toning process is not happening like I want it to be.  I know some guys like a little meat on our bones, but will I always have to much meat?  Will I ever get to enjoy a sexual relationship where the person is not thinking about being with someone else?  (Just FYI, my first relationship ended because of cheating and I think my second one did too, but I just can't prove it).  People flirt with me, but I never even get a date out of the deal.  If truth be told, I feel like I am a placeholder and then when something better (smaller) comes along, my services (i.e. my company, texts, phone calls) are no longer needed (or probably wanted).

I get that I am big (yes, I know my truth).  But I'm not going to throw myself out there just to get someone between my legs.  I have standards.  So whether it is by choice or by default, celibacy it will be until someone that has proven themselves worthy while in a relationship with me comes along.  I don't know when it will happen or if it ever will happen.  I don't know, my last sexual activity might have occurred about 3 years ago.  I hope that isn't the case, but that is the reality.  I just keep thinking it is taking so long because there is someone just for me that will be nice, faithful, loving, and all my heart desires waiting for me and we just haven't realized it yet.  Yep, that's what I'm sticking with.  

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Baggage is to weight as weight is to ______________

I woke up this morning to learn that being obese is considered to be a disease now.  Well, since I still need time for that to sink in, I will talk about that later.  However, as I went on through my day, that new fact didn't annoy me.  In fact, it made me kind of sad.  I felt like, once again, we plus size beauties were being lumped (no pun intended) into yet another category that probably doesn't even begin to tell you our stories.  

Take me for example.  I have my own story.  If you haven't had the opportunity, take this moment to go read Body Prison (  Body Prison gives you my full story, up until this time last year.  I'm working on a new story now.  This blog will be waiting for you to get back.  

Great - you're back.  Well, if you didn't go read it, make sure you do at the end of this post.  

The one thing you see from Body Prison is the broad story of my life.  What you did not see is one of the main reasons I am the size I am today.  I won't lie, I thought I was ready to tell you the entire story, but the fact of the matter is I am not.  One day I will be though.  However, let's just say an event happened in my life several years ago and it forever changed me.  No one should have to go through that and I don't wish that type of pain on my worst enemy.  This event could have and probably should have killed me, but it wasn't my time to leave this planet yet.  

The thing is, that event was so traumatic that the only thing that made me feel whole was to be heavy.  I kept the weight I was and put on more because weight made me feel complete.  Weight didn't make me feel happy, but it kept people away from me so that I could have time to deal with the event.  

Well, last year, it was like my mind said let go.  So when that phrase kicked in, I started to do just that.  I begin to let go of the weight by working out, eating healthier, basically changing my lifestyle with food.  In fact, I am smaller now that I was before the event happened.  

What am I trying to say?  No matter if it is genetics, an event, or something else that a person doesn't have control over at that moment, baggage can literally be a weight on your shoulders and the rest of your body.  You owe it to yourself to let go.  It's not the easiest process and it may take years - mine took 7 (which is the number of completion, but the way).  The point is that when I was ready and when I knew that it was time, without anyone forcing it upon me, things started to change.  

You know what is going on with you better than anyone around you.  You will know when you are ready to let go.  Trust me, if you try to do it before you are ready, it is actually going to make you feel worse.  Take it from me, I've been there.  I only tell you things I know to be true because I have experienced them.  Your experience is going to be different from mine and that is perfectly fine.  What matters is that you make it to where you want and need to be.  

Don't pick up extra baggage.  You already have enough of your own you are trying to get rid of.  I promise you when you make that decision, you will be glad you did.  Whatever event has you hiding behind your weight, when you are ready, just let go.  You will look back on that time and laugh because you will realize that all the trouble you went through to gain the weight is not worth the trouble you are having now to lose it and keep it off.  Skip the baggage claim area and just keep walking until you reach your version of freedom.  When you get there, no matter what may be thrown at you, there will always be blue skies ahead.  It may be a bit turbulent, but make it up in your mind that crashing is not an option.  

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Body Prison

I'm not sure if you know this, but I have been doing this writing thing for a few years now.  Well, last year, I was having a really low moment and the only way I knew to express myself was to write it down.  I thought it belonged in a journal, but the more I thought about it, it was evident that it was a story that needed to be shared.  This post I am sharing with you tonight is coming from a different blog that I also write in.  I wrote it to get some things off my chest, but I also wrote it hoping to inspire someone to change their thoughts about themselves.  I don't know, I guess I also wrote it to help some guy see that plus-size women have a heart too.  Why am I sharing with you?  Well, my goal is to be able to share another one of these in the next year because I want to see how my perspective about myself has changed.  I wrote in a more recent post that I still struggle with some things, but I think the post I am getting ready to share with you showed it from top to bottom.  Basically, I like to think of it as my plus-size life story.  Now that I have given you some background, I hope that you enjoy Body Prison.  As always, comments are welcomed, but please be respectful.  

When I write, it is so important for me to get you to understand life from different views.  Not only do I write from my point of view, but I also try to include everyone.  Even if I talk about praying, I tell you to pray to whatever your religion calls for or for you to do whatever your faith or path calls you to do.  Here's something else that I like to do when I write.  I like to ask you to be vulnerable and share your stories with me.  As I've said several times before, this is your blog, but it's just written by me.  Well, since I ask you to be so open and vulnerable with me, I think that it's time for me to really share a struggle with you.

I've been debating as to whether or not I was going to do this blog for my public viewers or post it in my more private blog or even in my journal.  However, after much consideration, I've come to the decision that I need to share this.  I'm not the only person going through this and I absolutely refuse to sit in silence and let this moment pass me by.  I'm just one person trying to make a point, but I hope that I inspire someone with my struggle.  Also, please know that since I am only a female, I cannot begin to talk about this from a male point of view.  Well, in saying all of that, here goes...

I've basically been a thick chick my whole life.  I remember sitting in my second grade classroom and a friend of mine telling me, you have big thighs.  In my adult life and after thinking about things from my past that has shaped me, that is noted as being the first moment where I thought that something was wrong with me and my body issues begin to take shape, literally.  

So, what my classmate didn't understand is that I was growing.  I was in an A cup in the second grade and I really don't remember ever wearing a training bra.  I went from a size under shirt to a full bra.  Needless to say, I kept growing and by the time I got to middle school, I had the body of an adult.  In fact, I was visiting a relative in the hospital at age 11 and their doctor took one look at me and said, "you must be 16".  My mom nicely told him, "No".  Well, as you guessed it, I just kept growing.  My body kept growing, my mind kept growing, my boobs kept growing, and my self-esteem started to grow smaller.  

I made it though the awkward middle school years and through everybody having the chance to date their crush while I watched mine date someone else.  I think that was the first time that I actually thought that my body was going to keep me from having the guy I wanted.  My body was and still is a bit of a strange thing, at least to me it is.  I have the boobs that guys want, but I don't have the body that they would like to come with it.  You know what it is they like - the flat stomach and the large boobs.  Looking from that direction, I'm only 50% of what they want.  Well, let me get to the high school years.  

I was comfy freshmen year.  I turned my focus onto getting into college and trying to plan the life that I had ahead of me.  Yes, I know that it was early, but I've always been one to be really focused on my education.  By far, tenth grade was my favorite year!  I had finally gotten used to being in high school and I was really feeling good about myself and my body was actually starting to fit into itself.  Well, I must have been really confident because I decided to try out for varsity cheerleading at the end of my sophomore year of school.  I made it!  

Of course I was excited - I was a varsity cheerleader for football and basketball season.  That was my break out year because I was who I was, the size I was, and I didn't feel awkward because I had on my school colors.  There was nothing like those Friday night lights hitting you and knowing that you had a job to do and that you were doing it with your friends.  Well, senior year came.  I decided not to cheer again because I just really wanted to buckle down in my advance courses and prepare myself for college because I still had not made a decision as to where I was going.  That was also the year that my body decided to grow - again!  This time though, I was scared because I was less than a year away from college and I didn't want to be in a new place and fell awkward about my body.

College is the place where you go to explore, learn, and find your mate.  Well, I did two out of the three.  It was like my body knew that I was going to college because it flipped out on me and decided that it really wanted to grow.  I put on my freshmen 15, but my boobs decided to go to a solid D.  Again, had the boobs that the guys wanted, but not the body.  However, I wasn't too concerned because at the time, I was in a relationship - or so I thought.  Freshmen year I met someone that would end up becoming a really good friend and that friendship would carry on to third year until he moved to the other side of the country.  

Here is where the image of my body started to take its toll.  I found myself single (well on the off time of an on and off relationship), I was stressing about my life, and my body was changing again.  I lost weight and my body looked out of whack to me.  In fact, it scared me for a bit because I didn't understand why this was happening.  And then someone else said something to me that should have been flattering, but it made me sick.  This guy told me, "Since you've lost weight, your boy better hold on to you before I snatch you up".  It was that moment that I realized that I hated my body.  I didn't know what to do with that emotion because I am generally a happy person.  However, those words hit me in the face!

So, back to this person that I met freshmen year.  It was 2006 and I was officially single - and so was he.  However, this confidence that I once had was gone because I had gained some weight back.  I wanted to tell him how I felt, but instead, I let him move to the west coast (only to return a few years later and he be married) without him knowing.  Why didn't I tell him?  Well, I just figured that he didn't want to be seen with someone that looked like me.  I mean, even my ex would point other women out while we were together and tell me, "Now that's sexy".  Believe me, no one that he pointed at looked like me.  So, I let him move.  We are still friends today and he is back in the area with his wife.  I never got the chance to tell him and at this point, I probably never will.  I kept my feelings to myself all because of my body.

I won't lie.  My body sent me into a depression.  I didn't like it and no matter how hard I worked out of how much better I ate, I felt like I couldn't change it.  I was aggravated and I started doing things that weren't healthy.  I would not eat and I had become pretty good at fibbing about that.  Then when I did eat, I would go vomit.  That didn't last long because it honestly hurt to do that.  When I figured out that I was causing more damage than good, I just started eating just because.  I was already feeling bad about myself so the extra weight wouldn't hurt.  Besides, if I was bigger, no one would be interested in me.  If they were not interested in me, I wouldn't have to put up with them hurting me.  If I didn't have to put up with them hurting me, well you get the picture.  

Let's fast forward to 2008.  I had been hanging out with this guy and I thought that it was really going somewhere because he made me feel OK about my body.  Well, for those of you that really know me, you know how that chapter ended.  However, I took this confidence away from that relationship.  My body had grown again and now it was actually getting harder for me to find bras in the store.  I've become pretty good at placing my order at the counter though and having to order the 3 basic colors of black, beige, and white.  

So, 2011 came and I basically had the same body that I had in 2008, but with bigger boobs.  I had just graduated from college in December 2010 and my whole life was and still is ahead of me.  I was having a really confident year, or at least I thought I was.  I had a huge crush on someone and one of the girls in my clique was telling me to just go talk to him, so I did.  We were cool and we would text.  However, I quickly figured out that he was just putting on an act when we were around friends.  I had sent him a text about something and the next thing I got back from him was, "Dude, this fat chick won't leave me alone".  I responded by saying, "I don't think that last text was for me".  He tried endlessly to tell me that text wasn't about me, but I'm not stupid.  Talk about being sent back to a hole.  

It got dark very quickly and it stayed that way the whole summer.  I would work out and get angry about not seeing the results.  I absolutely hated to look in the mirror.  I even started to wear my eye make-up more often because I have pretty eyes.  I started to wear more items that showed off my legs and I started to wear more shirts that showed off my boobs.  I figured I should at least show off the good qualities about my body.  However, it didn't stop there.  I started getting my hair cut frequently.  I tried different hair colors.  Basically, I tried to change the very way that I looked.  It still wasn't enough.  I still had the same body.  

That leads us to today.  I've actually gotten into a rhythm of doing workouts and can actually see the results.  They are not coming as quickly as I would like them to come, but at least I am seeing baby steps.  On the other hand, I am still a prisoner in my own body.  

I have a crush and I refuse to tell him that I like him because I just can't imagine that he would want to be seen with someone like me.  Again, visually with the flat stomach and big boobs things, I am only 50% ready.  When I want to say something to him, I shut down.  I've moved to a new area and as bad as I want to go out, I know that I cannot even begin to compete with the rest of the beautiful women that fill the room.  Grant it, I am an only child, but it would still be nice to have a conversation with someone if I go out instead of feeling like an outcast because of how I look.  So for that reason, I stay in - unless I'm invited out of course.  Then there are those people that tell me, "You are too pretty to be single".  I smile and say a simple, "thank you", but it's immediately followed by a mental thought of being pretty isn't the problem.  

Not to be conceited or anything, but I've always considered myself to be cute, but I just cannot seem to turn into the one that lights up a room.  What female doesn't want to feel like that?  

What am I doing now?  I'm working out, I've changed my diet, and I'm changing my vitamin.  However, what erases 27 years of feeling like you are worthless because of my body?  I've come to find that most (not saying all) guys are visual creatures.  Most don't care that I have a civil engineering degree with a minor in math.  Most don't care that I can type fast.  Most don't care that I have this awesome personality.  Most don't care that I have a pretty smile.    Most don't care that I have a very loving and giving heart.  Most don't care that I have no major health issues.  Most don't care that I'm humble.  Most don't care about the things that they cannot see.  

Honestly, I'm not sure where I fit in.  If some of you reading this are honest with yourself, you don't know where you fit in either.  

What was my point of this?  I could have easily told you about body image and quoted you some facts from some websites and given you all of these references.  I couldn't do that because from the plus size angle, I know all about it.  Here's the message that I really want to drive home.  If my body image problem started happening in the second grade at age 6 or 7, at what age is it happening now in the age of the size perfect model?  We have got to stop letting our children believe that this is how most people look.  Now, I believe in a healthy lifestyle and I commend you for having one and for your children having one, but do not under any circumstances make them feel like an outcast because they weigh more than their classmate.  

Obesity isn't killing our kids; it's the fact that they are getting bullied for being obese!  We have to change our thinking.  Pay attention to this.  The average size female is a size 14.  There are people size 12 and smaller doing extreme things to keep their size because they are fat.  If they call themselves fat, I wonder what they call the rest of us that are size 16 and up?  

The damage is done for me and I cope the best way that I know how.  The adult that am I now is better equipped to handle the dirty looks and the taunting and the gross looks that I get from guys (when they are not looking at my boobs).  However, what are we doing to prevent our future generation from going through what we went through and are still going through?  Something has got to give and something must change.  Well, the change begins with us.  Instead of tearing down each other, we should be building up each other.  We have all come to this world to do the same thing - die.  Since that is the outcome, we might as well enjoy the time we have here and live it to the fullest, no matter what size you are.  

Until I see more results, I am going to continue to look the way that I do and continue to gradually look in the mirror at myself.  On the other hand, I am also going to help a plus size teen understand that being this size is not the end of the world - even if it is just by them reading this blog.  They have enough on their plates so why add this struggle to it if you are not going to do it in a positive manner?

Plus size beauties, it's time to stop hiding.  We are just as able and capable are our smaller friends.  Yes, I said friends because there are some size 12 and smaller that love us for who and what we are.  To those friends out there, I say thank you for not talking about us (at least not to our faces) and thank you for not being ashamed to be seen out in public with us (even when we make you go into the big girl stores to shop).

Well, that's my story and I'm sure that I will have another story to tell you in 27 more years.  Until then, I am going to keep working out until I get to the size I want to be (which will still be considered plus size).  However, I'm done punishing myself and you should be too!  Take those baby steps, look in the mirror, and venture out.  Personally, I've decided to venture out next month, even if it's just to the zoo.  Let's stop being prisoners in our own bodies - one step at a time.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Battle of the Mirror

As you get to know me, if you don't already, you will discover that I have the most random conversations with people.  I cannot help it.  I love to talk to people, when I feel like being bothered.  Now there are some days where I am just like please leave me be and then there are those days that you wish I would shut up.  Well, I have discovered that I learn a lot from some from some of the random conversations.  I learn about the other person, but then there are some times when I learn about myself - more than I wish to admit actually.  So, let me take you on a journey about a conversation I had a few weeks ago.  Also, I have more guy friends then girl friends, so don't be surprised when I tell you this conversation happened with me and a male.  

I have a guy friend and I will be the first to admit that we have a weird relationship.  Why?  Well, that is an entirely different blog in itself.  However, we are on a different level with each other and I am comfortable with that.  At this point, I feel I should tell you to get your mind out of the gutter, but that will actually contradict my next sentences.  During one of our conversations, he told me he had a random question to ask me.  I told him to ask away, but to also keep in mind that I reserved the right to not answer it.  So, to my shock, he asks do you walk around naked at your place?  *Pause for reaction*

My answer was "No" and he was actually shocked by my answer because I live on my own.  So then comes the infamous why don't you?  I said, "I don't know, I'm just more comfortable in boy shorts and a tank or a t-shirt".  

Here's another problem I have - I will think about a conversation weeks later and it will get my brain turning.  So after I let that marinate on the brain a few weeks, it came to me, am I really more comfortable in those articles of clothing or is it that I am not comfortable with my body?

You can look at any photo of me and see that I don't have a flat tummy, my thighs (although not considered to be thunderous) are big, and my arms are not even close to being sculpted like those of Michelle Obama.  However, in the privacy of my own home, why shouldn't I walk around free?  Let's think about this...I'm a a bra for at least 9 hours a day.  Sometimes I'm in steel-toe work boots.  Sometimes I'm out in the heat and I'm so sticky that I can hardly stand to touch my own skin.  Then every single day, I cannot wait to get home to get out of my work clothes, if I'm not going to work out.  However, on those days when I know I am not working out, I still will wear some sweats or boy shorts as bottoms and a t-shirt or a tank on top.  Then like a slap to my own face it hit me, I seriously do not like my body.  

There is no reason why I shouldn't be free when I get in from work or working out.  There is no excuse, except for me not liking what my reflection is in the mirror.  I can give you a perfect example.  Most chicks I know will put on makeup in just their underwear and be perfectly fine. I at least have to have on a tank top.  I don't know, it just doesn't feel right.  

So what do I do to change that?  I have no clue.  I work out 5 times a week.  I admit I haven't been able to do so this week because I have two sore ankles, that I probably should have stayed off of last week (I digress).  However, I still have my tummy, my thighs, and those arms.  Even someone close to me told me over the weekend, "you're losing weight, but you still can't lose that stomach".  Ok, first of all, don't do a half ass compliment and bashing in the same sentence.  However, it was the truth and I took it like a big girl, because I am (literally).  

I admit it, if I walk in front a mirror naked, even I say ew!  I know my truth and I know who I am within my body.  Do I feel good about myself in clothes - yep!  I have a fabulous wardrobe and I can dress with the best of the best.  Do I feel good about myself outside of clothes (other than in a shower) - nope! That's just not my style.  Maybe one day I'll get there, but right now, I'm good in my boy shorts and a t-shirt.  

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Summer Summer Summertime!

Ok, divas, summer is almost here and if you live in the south (like me), it is safe to say it has already arrived.  Summer is known for showing off those fabulous tan lines and whatever else you wish to share with the world.  However, to my plus divas, it is important that we dress appropriately and wear things that flatter our beautiful, thick bodies.  

I'm sure we have all heard this, but yes, round is also a shape.  However, that does not mean that you can wear everything that you see in the magazines and on other people.  For those people that really know me, they know I will say quickly that everything that looks good on a page or in a store window will not look good on my body!  If you were honest with yourself, the same would be true for you.  

Now, I'm not going to slam anybody because I don't know your financial situation towards your clothes and you also have another opinion than mine.  However, what I am going to say is that I saw an outfit today that should have never been worn.  Even my coworker made a comment and since he is great about giving me the male opinion, I trust his judgment.  So, ladies, here are some tips from me to you to help you get through the summer.  These are not in any particular order and each will be explained.  Just follow me, please.  I promise not to leave you confused.  

When you go to a store, please take the time to try on your clothes.  Also, if you can, take a trusted friend with you.  Why did I specify trusted?  Well, females can be dirty and the wrong one will tell you the outfit looks great on you when in reality, she wants you to look bad so she can look better.  Also, be mindful if said friend wants to buy the same outfit as you at the same time.  She may be trying to prove she looks better in it than you.  In this day and age, a simply selfie mirror pic will also do.  However, make sure the trusted friend is prepared to get your photo.  Since I live in a new place and not really into taking people shopping with me down here yet, I have to use the photo thing.  I let my friend know it is coming.  However, if you cannot bring someone or have someone to send a photo too, do not be ashamed to ask another person in the store.  However, use the associates as a last resort.  They are there to help their store make a profit, not help you feel better about yourself.  You will find that total strangers are not shy about being honest with you because there is a low chance you will run into them again on another shopping trip.  Also, if you shop clearance (like me), it is essential to try on clothes because some retailers have a no return policy on those items.  

When you get home, try on the clothes again.  You will find that the light in your place and the natural light from outside will make that outfit look totally different on you.  I know it sounds weird, but it is a fact.  If you feel iffy about an item, take it back.  If it was a clearance item and you are not able to return it, you might have to try to make a sale on ebay, on another site, or be generous and give it as a donation to someone or to a charity.  

Make sure your shorts fit your body.  Personally, in the last 11 years, I have owned one pair of shorts.  I know that I do not have the thighs for them.  My legs (currently) are much better suited for capris and bermuda shorts.  Know your truth!  You know what your legs look like and what looks right on them.  

We clothes that fit your body type.  Believe me when I tell you, they make tanks, tees, pants, shorts, and skirts for each body type.  We as consumers need to start taking the time to know what we can and cannot wear for our body type.  We are constantly feeding into the buying frenzy of having the latest style when in fact, the latest trend may look like the latest bust on you.  Create your own style with what looks best on you and you will get so many compliments, you would not believe it.  

Wear clothing that makes you feel confident.  If that is a mini skirt, go for it.  Maxi dress?  Who am I to argue.  I know it's the summer and I live in the south, but I feel most comfortable and confident in a pair of jeans and a cute top or either a mini skirt and a cute top?  Those bottoms make me feel confident because I'm not showing off my thighs and I am a bit self-conscious (yes, I'm woman enough to admit that) about my thighs.  Any chance I get to cover those, I take them.  Maxi dresses, jeans, skirts, that's all me.  Maybe one day in the next 11 years, I'll get brave and put on a pair or shorts (other than my bathing suit bottoms), but it is not happening right now.  

Bathing suits - make sure you pick the right one.  Personally, I am a fan of the tankini.  I've been wearing them for years.  However, if you are heavier up top (like me) you may want to consider not getting the halter.  I found it harder to wear because it was puling on my neck.  I have found that shoulder straps work best for me.  On the other hand, if you can wear the halter, go for it!  

Wear some color! I know everyone looks good in black and it is considered a slimming color, but there are beautiful colors in the rainbow that deserve our attention.  I am a fan of bright colors.  Use those colors to your advantage and accessorize like no other!  Also, if you are comfortable with it, learn to be ok with not matching.  You will be amazed at what color combos are pretty together and what you can do once you get away from the status quo.  

As my final tip of this post, please remember to keep the V area (I call mine the goddess - see The Magic Touch) covered.  No one wants to see that.  Besides, guys like a little mystery.  Some of them may be dogs, but even dogs are picky.  Also, the type of attention that you are going to get is probably not the type of attention you wanted.  Just a thought.  Now, I have no problem showing a little chest, but don't go to the extreme.  Flattering tops are always in style, but you do not have to overly expose yourself.  

That's all I can think of for right now.  If you have a tip you would like to add to this or elaborate on any that I have already mentioned, feel free to leave a comment!  You know that I love to hear from you.  To my fellas, if you feel comfortable, please comment and tell us fabulous plus divas what you would like to see from us this summer.  I should not even have to say this, but be nice.  Us plus beauties have feelings too, so do not leave a comment saying that you would like us to lose weight this summer.  I will comment back and you will not like what I have to say.  Mean, but true.  I will protect my fellow plus beauties because I know what's it's like to feel unprotected in this cruel world.