Friday, June 21, 2013

33 months and counting...

There is already a disclaimer about content before you can even enter this blog, but I feel compelled to give one of my own.  This is NOT going to be rated G.  I doubt if I should even call it PG.  I am going to give it the rating of ME because that is what is getting ready to happen - you are going to see me at my most honest form.  I'm afraid to write this.  Quite frankly, I don't know if I should even post it for public viewing, but the fact of the matter is that I've waited a long time to be this open with you and now that I have the nerve, I'm just going to let it be.  Please remember, this is my journey and it is not going to match yours.  In other words, if you decide to comment, play nice.  So, if you don't think this is for you, you might want to turn back now.  However, if you are ready to see another part of my life, continue reading.  Here goes...

The Goddess hasn't been touched in about 3 years.  The only person who has been down there has been a doctor.  (I really hope you have figured out The Goddess by now - don't judge me).  A couple of months ago, I went in for that dreaded yearly exam.  This was my first time seeing my new doctor because I am woman enough to admit that I had not been to the OB/GYN since I changed locations a few years ago.  The Goddess doesn't like to be touched by unfamiliar people and it took a lot for me to finally go see a new doctor.  Well, during my exam, I turned on my iPod to a certain playlist and my goal was to make a grand escape in the music and not worry about what was happening down there.  Needless to say, my grand plan didn't happen.  

I kept moving my feet out the "holders".  I kept trying to close my legs.  I am pretty sure that I almost kicked my doctor.  Him being the medical professional at all, he kept working while my amazing nurse just kept talking to me to try to calm my nerves.  Didn't work.  He kept working, I kept moving, nurse kept talking to (momentarily) deaf ears.  I'm pretty sure even without me saying he could tell from my reaction that The Goddess hadn't seen any action in a while.  After that was over, he laughed and asked, "I bet you don't like me anymore".  I said, "I like you plenty, but I'm glad I only have to see you once a year".  We all laughed, I got dressed, checked out, and left the office.  

However, after my head cleared, this question came to me - should I feel good about being celibate or should I feel embarrassed by it?  For all my Christian readers out there, I hate to disappoint you, but I am leaving religion out of this one.  Yes, I'm a Christian, but the virginity ship sailed for me many moons ago.  For this post, I want to take another angle.  If you wish to continue reading, I'm glad you are.  If you wish to stop right here, I'm sorry that you are about to miss a great piece of work and something that may just open your mind to my life a little bit.  

I get the whole no sex before marriage thing and I commend anyone who is doing that.  All jokes aside, if I would have stayed that course, my life would probably be less complicated right now, but I wouldn't be able to write this post either.  However, back to my question, I do feel good about the decision I have made to be celibate, but did I make my decision by default?  

I could have easily been one of those females that just handed The Goddess out for free, but I'm not.  I believe she belongs to someone who is going to love the person she is attached to.  Love (evol), I'll have to explain that later and it probably deserves another post.  As for making my decision by default, part of me feels like I haven't been sexually active because no one wants to be sexually active with a big girl - well, at least they don't want it to be public knowledge.  It is no big secret that I prefer to be in a relationship with someone before I take that leap and even then it is not going to just happen like that.  I believe in knowing people and hopefully in that process, their true colors will show.  It doesn't always happen like that (trust me, I know from experience), but at least it is a good try.  Relationship wise, I have had no prospects for a boyfriend (well, I don't think - you have to come right out and tell me because I am HORRIBLE at reading signals).  So since I have no prospects, that means no relationship, which means no sex.  



On the other hand, I have been propositioned by two married men.  So that leads me back to my statement about well, at least they don't want it to be public knowledge.  I know it is a different context, but the theme is still the same - you would be hiding the fact that you are sleeping with a big girl (or any other woman for that matter).  So, believe it or not, these two married men got me thinking and as twisted as it may sound, my mind couldn't help but go there.  The next question was am I that big that only people who are interested are those that would never tell on themselves?  You know if they are going to keep a secret from their significant other, they might as well keep it a secret that they life females of the thicker breed.  It's a dangerous thing to get my mind rolling like that.  

So, I'm concerned about being too big, not pretty enough, all those insecurities so it's no wonder that I am not sexually active.  No, I don't do toys.  Remember the song by The New Boys ft Chris Brown?  I like the song, but I actually feel that when it comes to sex, I look better with the lights off.  (Yes, I've been with someone during the daylight and they kept my tummy covered but lowered my top just enough so they could get to my boobs).  Call it what you want, but I've just lived a life where I've been told that everything that doesn't look like me is pretty or sexy.  Yeah, I know I have a cute face, I get it. Thanks for your kind words, even though you are unknowingly (or maybe you do know) throwing the dagger of, but you would be prettier if you were smaller, even though you don't say it.

It's not like I don't think about having sex.  I'm a grown woman.  I have needs.  I like to be touched (and even that hasn't happened in forever).  However, I feel like if I can't stand my rolls, what guy is going to like touching them, especially during sex?  The least I can do for him (if that time ever comes) is turn off the lights - just because he can feel them, it doesn't mean he has to see them.  

Would I like to have sex?  Sure!  What female wouldn't?  I can tell you one person right now I would like to go there with, but they will never know it.  Quite frankly, I don't even tell people I have a crush on them.  Why in the world would I set myself up for rejection like that?  I'm just saying.  Am I possibly missing out on something?  Yep.  But I would much rather miss out on something than get my feelings hurt because I've had about enough of that! 

I don't know, is it rare to be my age (28) and have so few past sexual partners (3)?  Yes, I can count on one hand the number of people I have slept with.   



Don't get me wrong, I've always felt that I made the decision to be celibate when I am not in a committed relationship, but I have also felt that the decision was kind of made for me.  Even though I have lost weight and clothing sizes, even my goal size is considered plus.  Then I am freaked out by all this extra skin because the toning process is not happening like I want it to be.  I know some guys like a little meat on our bones, but will I always have to much meat?  Will I ever get to enjoy a sexual relationship where the person is not thinking about being with someone else?  (Just FYI, my first relationship ended because of cheating and I think my second one did too, but I just can't prove it).  People flirt with me, but I never even get a date out of the deal.  If truth be told, I feel like I am a placeholder and then when something better (smaller) comes along, my services (i.e. my company, texts, phone calls) are no longer needed (or probably wanted).

I get that I am big (yes, I know my truth).  But I'm not going to throw myself out there just to get someone between my legs.  I have standards.  So whether it is by choice or by default, celibacy it will be until someone that has proven themselves worthy while in a relationship with me comes along.  I don't know when it will happen or if it ever will happen.  I don't know, my last sexual activity might have occurred about 3 years ago.  I hope that isn't the case, but that is the reality.  I just keep thinking it is taking so long because there is someone just for me that will be nice, faithful, loving, and all my heart desires waiting for me and we just haven't realized it yet.  Yep, that's what I'm sticking with.  

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