Here lately, I feel like I have been finding my confidence. Some people tell me I never lost it, but instead it was just hidden deep down inside. For the first time in years, I am buying sundresses and cute shoes. I told a really good friend of mine that I finally felt like I could step up my wardrobe game because I didn't feel like I need to hide anymore. On the other hand, she still gets on to me because she feels like even though I am not hiding in my clothes anymore, I am still hiding in other ways.
For those of you who do not know, I am an only child. For that reason (some may call it an excuse) I have come up with ways to protect myself. However, those same ways that I protect myself have also been ways for me to keep hiding myself. I'll just get straight to the point with this one - she gets on to me about having a fear of love (which will be called evol from this point on when referring to relationships).
Evol has not been good to me and I think a small part of me actually thinks it is evil. Other than parental and family love, which you should get anyway, I have felt like I have been a prisoner of unrequited evol. For those of you who don't understand that, that is the type of evol that is not reciprocated. Basically, it's a one sided relationship. Don't believe me, go check out Body Prison and that will give you all the stories of that madness. However, I am woman enough to admit when I have brought things on myself.
It's been a long time since I've loved myself. I grew up in a generation where there was pressure to look like the size 2 on the TV and the magazines. I grew up in a time where if you couldn't shop in certain stores, you were not one of the cool kids. I grew up in a time when the perfect body was something that was unattainable and unhealthy. It is just recently that have decided to embrace myself and love the curves that I have. Do I wish they were toner curves? Sure, but I'm working on that.
I think this really hit me after a conversation I had with another friend of mine. She said that she could see me having children in a few years. If I have a little girl and she is "big" for her age, I don't want to be that parent telling her to lose weight because she needs to look a certain way. I want it to only be because I am worried about her health. However, if my future little diva sees me freaking about my body because how it looks in clothing, what can I expect her to do?
I want something better for her. I guess in my own way, I'm not doing all this for myself - I'm doing it for the little girl that will get to call me mom. I don't want her to see me crying over my body, but I will be there to comfort her if I find her doing the same thing. I don't want her to see me crying because some man called me fat, but I will comfort her if she should find herself in that situation. I don't want her to see me doing extreme things to maintain a healthy weight, but I will support her decision in how she plans to deal with her weight, should she have a weight issue. Like I said, I just want this journey to be better and if possible, easier than mine.
Personally, I think I would be more confident than I am now if I had someone in my life telling me I was ok, instead of downing me every chance they could get. Just an fyi, you think strangers talking behind your back is bad, just wait until your family starts talking to you to your face. That is the absolute worst part of this. I have had to learn to be confident in that aspect of my life because that wasn't taught to me. I was taught to be confident at school and work, but being a confident big girl wasn't an option. I've been told to lose weight all my life. Why? I didn't have any health issues, other than asthma, and my life wasn't depending on it.
My weight issue my entire life has been for aesthetics only. Most women have a type and I do to and I've been told that the type I like is not going to go for someone like me. Gee, thanks peeps and family that have told me that - way to bring a person down. However, I'm sort of glad for that because I've learned that looks aren't everything. Seriously, just look at me...I can imagine what some people think about me before they get to know me.
The fact of the matter is that this whole confidence thing is a work in progress. It gets better each day. Don't get me wrong, there are still some low days, but my great days far outweigh those. It's important for me to remember this and for everyone else to do the same - you are perfect how you are and evol will come to you just how you are. You may not believe it now, but one day you are going to look back and remember that you read this and laugh. You never know, one of those people looking back at this post might even be me.