Thursday, July 25, 2013

Friends 4ever...maybe not

If you have had the pleasure of seeing any of my posts on twitter today (follow me @TheShaylaEm), you have probably noticed that I was sending a message.  I'll admit that I was in my feelings a little bit today, but I believe I had great reason.  

I have always been a nice person.  Willing to help when I can and sometimes being the absolute worst at saying no.  However, here lately, I feel like I have been abused, to say the least.  People that I am used to talking to a few days a week online, via an actual phone call, or via text have just disappeared.  I understand the excuse I'm busy, but if you are trying to be a friend to someone, don't you think you can find one minute to at least say hello or see how they are doing?  I would think so, but it is obvious everyone does not share the same mentality.  Even if it is just once a month, at least make an effort to show your friends you care.  I've always made an effort to be a very good friend because I know that is what I would want people to be to me.  

As I've gotten older, and especially today, I'm having a hard time with something.  The thought came to me am I being nice to people so people would be nice to me instead of looking down on me because of my size?  I know that sounds like a stretch (no pun intended), but it is true.  


A few years ago, Tyra Banks put on a fat suit and walked around town asking people for various simple things - the time, directions, etc.  Only a few people stopped to help her.  She went out on some blind dates.  She went shopping.  She spent 15 hours experiencing what media had portrayed as ugly and nasty.  If you want to read more about her day, the following link will get you there (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/BeautySecrets/story?id=1280787).

For her role in Why Did I Get Married?, Jill Scott gained weight and put on a fat suit.  In an interview she did, she said her cast mates had pity in their eyes when they saw her.  They knew she was the same person underneath, but the fact her body looked different, they looked at her differently.  To see the interview, go to the following link: (http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20160756,00.html).

Point is, those beautiful ladies got to take their skin off.  However, I don't and neither do millions of people across the world.  I would like to think I'm nice by nature, but maybe I'm nice for a protective mechanism.  Maybe if I'm nice to them, they want laugh in my face or behind my back.  If I'm nice to them, they will not let others talk about me.  If I'm nice to them, they will treat me like I'm human and not something disgusting.  If I'm nice to them, they won't mind being my friend.  If I'm nice to them, maybe they will like to take me out on a date.  If I'm nice to them, maybe they will like to take a photo with me and not worry about it being posted on social networking sites.  If I'm nice to them, maybe someone would find it in their heart to be nice to me and though we don't talk everyday, they will at least make an effort (even if it is fake), to at least (pretend to) care and make sure I am still alive.  I would just like to know I'm not being used because right now, especially by a few particular people, I feel like they have used me and thrown me away.  Communication went down from almost everyday, to a few times a week, to a few times in a couple of weeks, to them basically saying you'll hear from me when I need or want something.



I'm not sure what so called friendships (I use that term loosely) were frayed by my little (public) tirade, but if they were, oh well.  I deserve people who are going to be nice to me because of my persona, not because of what I can do for them.  The sad part is, that one day I were to be a bitch (yep, I'm going there), they would tell me my attitude is messed up and wonder why I am acting the way I am.  To those who say that, here is my question to you - did it ever occur to you that my actions have a direct relationship to how you have and still are treating me?  My friendship is a gift and not to be used and abused.  I hope you remember that. 

Sunday, July 21, 2013

A new type of feeling

For those people really close to me, they know that I am a clothing fanatic.  My closet is not as messy as it used to be because I cleaned it out a few weeks ago, but it is ridiculous.  My shoe game is getting better and they are in their boxes, but not the flip flops (except the ones from Guess).  Over the past few months, my fashion game has picked up because for the first time in my adult life, I feel comfortable enough in my skin to wear fashionable clothes instead of hide myself.

I went shopping yesterday at Ashley Stewart and I took the sizes I am accustomed to wearing to try on.  To my surprise (pleasant that is), everything I took to try on was too big.  In fact, they had to grab a pair of pants off the mannequin for me so that I could bring those home.  It was a great feeling and I feel like I've accomplished something.  I'm not wear I want to be, weight wise, yet, but I am working on it on a daily basis.  However, this post isn't about weight - it's about my clothing change.

With my weight loss, my style of clothing has definitely changed.  I'm no longer afraid to wear skinny jeans and I'm wearing more than plain leggings.  I've even decided to start wearing jeggings (bought my first pair yesterday during my shopping adventures).  So, let me tell you a little something about the jeggings, since I am just under 5'4", I have to get them altered.  Well, I was afraid to buy them because I didn't want to mess them up.  A few weeks ago, I found someone that could alter them correctly, so now I will be buying more.  Another thing I have embraced is that I can wear print bottoms.  I pay attention to what other people wear, not to necessarily follow their style but because I just like clothes and I like to see what people pair together.  Well, I see more fuller plus divas wearing print and if it is done correctly, they look awesome in their ensemble.  In other words, they gave me the encouragement, in their own way, for me to break out of my shell.

 My shoe game has truly stepped up.  Because of a knee injury a few years ago, I am very careful about wearing heels and will wear a pair or wedges before I even think about trying on a pair of heals.  However, due to that injury, wedges even made me think twice.  However, with their not being as much weight on my knees, I feel better about wearing wedges.  I feel more balanced and more stable in them now.  I think I was stable in them all along, but I just didn't have the confidence to go along with the stability.  Now I have them both.  

I admit, there are some days that I am really feeling myself now.  It didn't used to be like that.  However, there is nothing wrong with me being confident.  I spent so many years hiding myself, but I'm so ready to explore what life has to offer me, in my own way.  I love life and I refuse to let my size keep me from it anymore.  I'm not perfect, but my imperfections make me the best me that I can possibly be.  I'm alright with that.  The best part is now, that I have clothes to match that personality.  

Thursday, July 18, 2013

He straight up called me on my ish...Part II

So to keep a promise to my fabulous readers, I feel like I need to give you an update (hence Part II).  Well, I sent the text to find out about the "randomness".  In my opinion, I ended up with more randomness.  Even though I feel like the text I got was a bunch of "randomness", I guess he feels good about what he sent.  However, I am still lost in translation.  

Needless to say, I talked to my trusted friends again and got their opinions.  I won't give it away, but once again, both of them had the same thing to say (I need for them to stop agreeing with each other).  My guy friend though was rougher on me than my girl friend though.  Once again, he called me out!!!  He kept on me until I sent the text and then had the audacity to be mad at me when he learned I hadn't sent it.  Well, when I finally told him, he was pleased.  Geez...I didn't think it was that major, but to them, especially him, it was.  Now I'm playing the waiting game to see if anything else is going to be said, but I highly doubt it.  

What does this have to do with the focus of this blog?  Well, that is quite easy.  I'm wondering if I got a "random" answer to the "randomness" because he's not willing to admit something to a chick of my size?  Yeah, I know many of you are probably wondering why I'm thinking like that, but I am just honest with myself.  I learn from the past and with that, I've learned to not expect much.  Also, just in case you were wondering, we are still friends and we will be until something horrible tears us away from one another (like death or another ultimate friendship ender).  

Why would I remain friends with someone that won't tell me something?  Well, for me, it's not that big of a deal.  It's a choice that he wanted to make and there is nothing wrong with that, even though there are some moments where it kills me inside.  However, it is what it is and at this point, it is no longer in my court and I have no control.  Don't worry, when the game needs to be played, I will gladly play.  

So here is where I want your help.  I want to make this post a little interactive with you.  I want you to comment your answer to this question - Do you think I will hear anything else from him about the situation or was that it?  I'm just curious as to what you thing.  

Saturday, July 13, 2013

He straight up called me on my ish...

I've been trying my best to keep a straight face and level head for a couple of weeks now, but it's kind of hard when you have something so heavy on your mind.  The funny part is that someone close to me picked up on it.  They picked up on the "stress" because of how I was acting and the way I was doing certain things.  You never know who is paying attention to you and it is important to be mindful of that.  

This person finally had enough of my "antics" and asked me what was wrong.  I didn't want to tell him, but I knew I could trust him to not tell anyone else.  The funny part is, I wanted him to keep the conversation between us, yet I'm getting ready to share with you my issue.  It's weird, it doesn't come out of my mouth right at all, but when it comes to writing (via text, blog, fb messenger, etc.) the words just seem to come out just fine.  I never knew his question would open up a conversation that is still going on, but just in pieces.  Quite frankly, he called me out on my ish and although that annoyed me at first (and still does to an extent), I can kind of understand why he did it.  On the other hand, it's hard for me to get him to understand.  So, let me share with you what happened and just maybe, you can help me out.  

Here is the answer to the question "what's wrong":

A few weeks ago, a friend of mind told me something that most people would consider flattering.  Don't get me wrong, deep down inside, I was and still am.  However, the more I thought about it, the more "confused" (for lack of better word) I became.  In my opinion, it was totally random, but you cannot tell someone something that deep and not "clarify".  I feel like I never got clarification, but at the same time, I also knew that it was just best to probably leave it alone.  Bu that is just it, my mind won't leave it alone.  I think about it at least 3 times a day and each time, I try to come up with a reason, but I cannot.  So, to help ease my brain, I figured I would actually ask this close friend of mine a hypothetical scenario, even though we both knew it was my situation.  When I told him, he gave me an answer I wasn't prepared to hear.  Needless to say, he has been on me every since to find out what the meaning of this "randomness" was.  Well, last week, he basically called me out.  We were talking about it and he asked if I had made progress and I told him "no".  The only thing I had progressed at was thinking about it and trying to wrap my brain around it.  Then I went back to my stand-by excuse, I'm too shy to say anything.  What the heck did I say that for?  (This is where he got me).  He looked at me and said, "there is no way that someone with your personality is shy"!  Well, sir, that is where you're wrong (and this is also where my lie began).

 Shy is my cover word that I use when I am not feeling too confident.  It has always worked, until now (at least with this particular person).  The fact is, he knew I wasn't telling the truth about the shy thing, but he just couldn't figure out why.  I told him I am not confident in that area because of some things that have happened, but he doesn't know the other reason - it's because of my size.  

Ok - I know you were trying to figure out what this had to do about being a plus beauty, but I had to give you the story first.  

The truth is I clam up when I am around guys, especially those I have a thing for.  They don't notice it because I use my gift of laughter and my persona to help shield that madness.  I even do it in my sleep.  Let me explain that - earlier this week, I had a dream that this guy I like asked me out on a date.  I walked away from him without answering.  If the first part of that dream was to become a reality, would I react that same way or would I have the confidence to at least say something?  Truthfully, I cannot even answer that question.  

By now, you are probably wondering why I am not confident with this.  Well, I will gladly give you an answer.  I have spent years trying to undo the damage I did to myself - listening to other people, living unhealthy trying to lose weight, etc.  Right now, I feel like I am in the stage of trying to undo the damage other people did to me.  Let me give some examples of this to help you understand.  

I had an ex that was quick to look at other females and tell me how sexy they were when none of them looked like me (yes, they were smaller and taller).  That same ex told me I only wore tankinis because I looked like a tank.  I've had a guy sleep with me under the provision that I had something to cover my tummy so he wouldn't see it (I wore a tank that he could pull down to get to my boobs).  I've had a person send a text to me that was about me saying this fat chick won't leave me alone.  I've had a guy tell me that since I was losing weight he might consider dating me.  I've had family members tell me that I will never get the guy I want because I look the way I do.  Truthfully, I can go on, but since those memories have already brought me to tears, I think I will just stop there and hope you get the picture.  

I don't know how long it is going to take for me to undo all that damage.  Quite frankly, I am not even sure if I can.  So do I learn to cope with it or totally try to forget about it?  That's the question that bites me because I never have an answer.  

Will I be woman enough to ask this person about the "randomness" or will I leave it alone?  I keep saying I am going to say something (or at least text something), but there is a possibility I will lose my nerve.  If you are wondering why I just won't do it now, well, even the greatest of writers sometimes have a hard time finding the right words.  

I am not too sure how to close this one.  I could tell you not to be like me and just go for it before you miss out on something really amazing.  I could tell you that I am going to handle this tomorrow, but know that you would be expecting a follow-up and I won't be able to give you one (at least not a truthful one).  I could tell you I am totally happy not knowing, but I think that even through your screen, you can see right through that.  Since I don't really know what to say, I will just say this...the fear of nothing is crippling.  The fear of saying nothing.  The fear of saying something and getting nothing in return.  Nothing can make you feel like nothing, even when it looks like you have everything.  Be careful of nothing because it can strip you of something beautiful.  

Monday, July 8, 2013

Let me give you the skinny...

During the holiday weekend, I got the pleasure of spending some time with someone I haven't chilled with in a long time and of course, we had a few of our great conversations.  So, we went to a subject that we had never dared talk about, but our more mature minds were ready to handle.  

Size had never been an object to us.  However, she did tell me that she was proud of my weight loss.  Quiet as it is kept, I am too.  But, we got to the subject of skinny jeans.  She asked me if I wore skinny jeans.  With my usual antics, I proudly proclaimed yes.  I would have let her see me in mine, but I didn't have them on that particular day.  She admitted that she was self-conscious about wearing them.  She also told me that she had asked another plus diva about wearing them and she said her response was, "whether you wear them or not, people are still going to talk about you".  I don't know who this girl is, but I like her style.  

She made a very valid point.  No matter what plus divas wear, we are still going to get talked about.  They are going to talk about how we look no matter how fashionable our clothes are.  They are going to talk about how big our thighs are, but we can rock some skinny jeans and leggings like the best of them.  (Yep, put me in a pair of print leggings and you cannot tell me anything).  Give me a mini skirt and I will do the same thing.  People are also going to talk about our tummys, but we know how to camouflage, if we do it right.  People are going to talk about our arms, but that's alright - I still wear sleeveless dresses.  

Point is, whether plus or skinny, someone is going to talk to you.  Although I used to think that skinny people were hard on us, I'm starting to think that our fellow plus divas are just as mean.  The fact of the matter is that we cannot expect for others to embrace us when we, as a plus community, do not embrace each other.  

So, as long as it looks good on your and you feel comfortable enough in your own skin to wear it, I think you should rock whatever outfit you want.  Now, I will be the first to admit, I cannot bring myself to wear shorts, unless I am hanging out around my place.  In fact, I tried on a pair of shorts over the weekend and even though the outfit was cute, I still couldn't bring myself to buy them.  Yes, shorts are my nemesis right now.  I know my truth and there is no fault in you knowing yours.  Don't let someone force you to wear something you are not cool with wearing.  When I'm ready, I'll put on a pair of shorts.   

Being plus size is not just how you look, but it is an attitude and it should be a POSITIVE attitude.  There is nothing wrong with you.  You are beautiful just how you are and never let anyone tell you different.  So, if you have a more positive attitude while you are wearing skinny jeans, go for it!  You only get to travel through this life once.  If you want to express yourself in and with your clothes, so be it! 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Guess what?

I love pocketbooks.  I love shoes.  Some would even call it an addiction.  When it comes to my pocketbooks, I love a particular brand name.  I cannot help it.  I just love their stuff.  Well, today, I decided to treat myself.  I will tell you the store later on in this post, but for right now, let me tell you the story.  

I was so excited today because I had been looking online for a particular pocketbook and I was going to the store to get it.  When I walked in to this store, I didn't see the pocketbook I was looking for - it's bright pink so I would have noticed it immediately.  The sale associate was very helpful and when I described the bag to him, he let me know that it was no longer in the store, but that I should look around to see if something else caught my eye.  Well of course I was going to do that (LOL).  Well, a few other things did catch my eye, but I was trying to stay on budget.  Well, he let me look around for a while and then he came back to check on me.  He asked me if I had seen anything and I told him, "yes, but I really had my heart set on that pink bag".  After making a few more looks, I saw one that caught my eye and the price was right up my alley.  By the time he made it back to me, I was holding a pocketbook and a wallet.  He smiled and took them to the counter for me while I kept looking. Well, I ended up finding another pocketbook and wallet.  It was a perfect shopping trip for me, for more than one reason.  

The store I was in today way Guess.  Even though I have always shopped in that store for my pocketbooks and some shoes, sometimes because I know they don't sell clothing in my size, I felt like people (not the associates) would look at me funny and wonder why I was in the store.  However, today was different.  I don't know if it was because I was the only person shopping in the store or because both associates, especially the guy, made me feel so welcomed or because I am starting to get some confidence in how I look. 

I know that I cannot wear anything in Guess (and so did the associates), but the fact that I was not looked down upon today was a really great moment for me and that made for a perfect experience.  When I walked out the store with my 4 items, I felt so wonderful.  Now, I saw some smaller people looking at me funny when I walked out the store with my large bag, but I didn't care.  I was happy and I had found what I was looking for, almost.  

So to Guess, especially those associates, THANK YOU for making me feel welcomed to shop in the store and for not making me feel like I didn't belong.  It's not like that at all stores and you are to be commended.


Just in case you were wondering, these are the new goodies in my collection.  You can find them at your Guess store or online.