Saturday, July 13, 2013

He straight up called me on my ish...

I've been trying my best to keep a straight face and level head for a couple of weeks now, but it's kind of hard when you have something so heavy on your mind.  The funny part is that someone close to me picked up on it.  They picked up on the "stress" because of how I was acting and the way I was doing certain things.  You never know who is paying attention to you and it is important to be mindful of that.  

This person finally had enough of my "antics" and asked me what was wrong.  I didn't want to tell him, but I knew I could trust him to not tell anyone else.  The funny part is, I wanted him to keep the conversation between us, yet I'm getting ready to share with you my issue.  It's weird, it doesn't come out of my mouth right at all, but when it comes to writing (via text, blog, fb messenger, etc.) the words just seem to come out just fine.  I never knew his question would open up a conversation that is still going on, but just in pieces.  Quite frankly, he called me out on my ish and although that annoyed me at first (and still does to an extent), I can kind of understand why he did it.  On the other hand, it's hard for me to get him to understand.  So, let me share with you what happened and just maybe, you can help me out.  

Here is the answer to the question "what's wrong":

A few weeks ago, a friend of mind told me something that most people would consider flattering.  Don't get me wrong, deep down inside, I was and still am.  However, the more I thought about it, the more "confused" (for lack of better word) I became.  In my opinion, it was totally random, but you cannot tell someone something that deep and not "clarify".  I feel like I never got clarification, but at the same time, I also knew that it was just best to probably leave it alone.  Bu that is just it, my mind won't leave it alone.  I think about it at least 3 times a day and each time, I try to come up with a reason, but I cannot.  So, to help ease my brain, I figured I would actually ask this close friend of mine a hypothetical scenario, even though we both knew it was my situation.  When I told him, he gave me an answer I wasn't prepared to hear.  Needless to say, he has been on me every since to find out what the meaning of this "randomness" was.  Well, last week, he basically called me out.  We were talking about it and he asked if I had made progress and I told him "no".  The only thing I had progressed at was thinking about it and trying to wrap my brain around it.  Then I went back to my stand-by excuse, I'm too shy to say anything.  What the heck did I say that for?  (This is where he got me).  He looked at me and said, "there is no way that someone with your personality is shy"!  Well, sir, that is where you're wrong (and this is also where my lie began).

 Shy is my cover word that I use when I am not feeling too confident.  It has always worked, until now (at least with this particular person).  The fact is, he knew I wasn't telling the truth about the shy thing, but he just couldn't figure out why.  I told him I am not confident in that area because of some things that have happened, but he doesn't know the other reason - it's because of my size.  

Ok - I know you were trying to figure out what this had to do about being a plus beauty, but I had to give you the story first.  

The truth is I clam up when I am around guys, especially those I have a thing for.  They don't notice it because I use my gift of laughter and my persona to help shield that madness.  I even do it in my sleep.  Let me explain that - earlier this week, I had a dream that this guy I like asked me out on a date.  I walked away from him without answering.  If the first part of that dream was to become a reality, would I react that same way or would I have the confidence to at least say something?  Truthfully, I cannot even answer that question.  

By now, you are probably wondering why I am not confident with this.  Well, I will gladly give you an answer.  I have spent years trying to undo the damage I did to myself - listening to other people, living unhealthy trying to lose weight, etc.  Right now, I feel like I am in the stage of trying to undo the damage other people did to me.  Let me give some examples of this to help you understand.  

I had an ex that was quick to look at other females and tell me how sexy they were when none of them looked like me (yes, they were smaller and taller).  That same ex told me I only wore tankinis because I looked like a tank.  I've had a guy sleep with me under the provision that I had something to cover my tummy so he wouldn't see it (I wore a tank that he could pull down to get to my boobs).  I've had a person send a text to me that was about me saying this fat chick won't leave me alone.  I've had a guy tell me that since I was losing weight he might consider dating me.  I've had family members tell me that I will never get the guy I want because I look the way I do.  Truthfully, I can go on, but since those memories have already brought me to tears, I think I will just stop there and hope you get the picture.  

I don't know how long it is going to take for me to undo all that damage.  Quite frankly, I am not even sure if I can.  So do I learn to cope with it or totally try to forget about it?  That's the question that bites me because I never have an answer.  

Will I be woman enough to ask this person about the "randomness" or will I leave it alone?  I keep saying I am going to say something (or at least text something), but there is a possibility I will lose my nerve.  If you are wondering why I just won't do it now, well, even the greatest of writers sometimes have a hard time finding the right words.  

I am not too sure how to close this one.  I could tell you not to be like me and just go for it before you miss out on something really amazing.  I could tell you that I am going to handle this tomorrow, but know that you would be expecting a follow-up and I won't be able to give you one (at least not a truthful one).  I could tell you I am totally happy not knowing, but I think that even through your screen, you can see right through that.  Since I don't really know what to say, I will just say this...the fear of nothing is crippling.  The fear of saying nothing.  The fear of saying something and getting nothing in return.  Nothing can make you feel like nothing, even when it looks like you have everything.  Be careful of nothing because it can strip you of something beautiful.  

2 comments:

  1. From reading your blog we have alot in common. I admire your strength to blogg aboutyour feelings and your weight and sizeyou are an exceptional woman thank you

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    1. Ms. J, Thank you for your kind words. It took a lot for me to even do The Plus Diaries. I had basically kept it in my journal and then one day, I was no longer scared to share it. It's because I knew I wasn't alone that gave me the strength to share my story and struggles. If I feel like this, I knew someone else did too. Again, thank you and I look forward to seeing other comments, should you wish to share them.

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