Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The challenge

I have a wonderful friend who keeps me accountable and forces me to take a look at myself.  So, as I continue on this weight loss journey, there is one thing she wanted me to gain a little more of.  Even though I have, I still haven't really reached my own personal goal.  I'm a people person. I work for a government agency and that allows me to meet new people all the time.  However, it is within the comfort of my job and it is something I have a little bit of control over.  What we need to work on now is confidence when I am outside my comfort zone.  



In order for her to help me out in this endeavor, she gave me a challenge - I have to find a social group to meet up with.  Ok, that is all well and cool, but that is the moment where I start to clam up and I shut down.  In fact, I know this fact about me so well that I even mentioned it to another friend today.  

Here is the only way I know to explain it.  Every since I was a child, I have been told in order for me to be successful in life or have plenty of friends, I needed to be a certain size.  I'm not sure if people realized the damage they did or if they even cared, but I have slowly realized that is not true.  Well, I know that some of it isn't true.  Even as an adult, I have often wondered if I am the token plus size friend.  I have experienced friends being cool if we were hanging out in a not so popular place, but when it comes to hitting other places where they might be seen with me, well let's just say that experience is a lot different.  

I had a very candid conversation with a coworker today and he asked me why I was single.  I told him I was tired of being used.  That type of relationship is not what brings me here tonight, but what I said makes a lot of sense.  When speaking about the token plus size friend, that in a sense, is being used.  They want to look like their clique includes all people when in reality, if you don't look like them, you don't fit.  In other words, you just used me to help you out.  

Alright, I guess you have enough back story to realize why this challenge might be difficult for me.  The fact of the matter is that I have seen so much negative that I, shamefully, must admit I have become a bit of a cynic.  I believe there is some ounce of good in all people, but I also believe we all posses something that can make us turn on each other in a minute.  Survival of the fittest is real.  That is why I feel so strange about this challenge.  My personality is big and some people cannot deal with that.  Am I going to have my bubble busted because someone in the group gets jealous?  If that were to happen, I would clam up.  But here's the kicker - I wouldn't blame it on my personality, I would blame it on the fact that, if they are smaller than me, they could not stand for a big girl to be getting attention.  You see that mentality?

That is something that needs to change.  So as I go through this challenge, I invite you to join in with me if you are having this issue.  Find a group in your area and venture out.  There is so much to do outside the comfort of your home to be always hiding.  I've learned that, but I now just need to put what I have learned into action. 

For those of you wondering why this post tonight?  That's simple.  This blog is real.  I'm not in a good place every single day.  If you tell me you are, I am going to tell you that you are hiding from something and you need to deal with it.  Life is not perfect everyday.  For that reason alone is why I am so real with you.  How can I call myself a writer if I am not honest with you?  Don't I write about my good days too?  Of course!  My life is a perfect balance of good, bad, evil, ugly, and everything you can think of to throw at me in between.  The challenge is to find people to make you feel good about all the many faces your one body, no matter the size, possesses.  

As for my challenge given to me by my friend - challenge accepted!  Yes, I accepted the challenge last night with my arms folded and wondering why she would do such a thing.  But I also know that this will only continue to help me in my growth as I learn to deal and maintain a new size.  If you are wondering how I am looking for groups, I am using www.meetup.com.  Check it out in order to find some groups in your area.  



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