Saturday, August 10, 2013

The Things That Keep A Man Single - my reponse to The Things That Keep A Woman Single

So sometime this week, Evan Moore (a fellow blogger) posted a blog titled The Things That Keep A Woman Single.  I found this post with the help of a Facebook friend.  I read it and of course, there was a certain one that got to me because I am a plus diva.  However, I figured why focus on just that one item when I had the opportunity to do a proper response (in my own style).  In order to do this, I found the author on twitter (@evanFmoore) and let him know that I would be doing a response to his post.  With his blessing, this is what brings me to my post tonight.  Now, you know I like to put my own spin on things (that's the joy of being a writer - I can do my own thing), so here goes.  

Here is the link to Evan's post (http://www.chicagonow.com/fanning-flames-since-1978/2013/08/the-things-that-keeps-a-woman-single/).  I really hope you take the chance to read his post before you read the rest of this one, especially since this is technically a response to his post.  In order to help you out, I am going to keep this in line with his post as far as the numbers are concerned.  Since this is my first response to a post, so if you don't like it, that's ok - I'll improve and I'll eventually do another.  However, without further ado, here goes...

Alright gentlemen, listen up because this is all for you!!!

1. Your friends and family are poisoning your love life.  

Yes, they are.  You say the same thing about us, but the fact of the matter is that your family and friends are causing you just as much harm.  Dudes, please get out from under your mothers and grandmothers!  I understand you are trying to be a good son / grandson, but eventually you are going to have to grow up.  Stop running to them each and every time they call on you.  I understand females can see how a man is going to treat them if you observe how they treat the family females in their lives, but let me give you a heads up, I don't know many females that wish to be smothered.  Also, no female is ever going to be good enough for you, according to your mom / grandma.  As long as you have them in your ear, you are never going to find someone who is going to put up with their constant criticizing and your family making them feel less than a person (yep, talking from experience).  As for your friends, stop telling them how good your woman is (yep, just like you tell us to quit telling people how good y'all are).  Men can be trifling (you know this) and when given the opportunity, they are going to try your significant other.  You just better hope she is strong enough to resist the urge.  

2.  Get out of your momma's house.

Yep, I covered that a lot in item 1.  I think you got the point.  However, let me get a little bit stronger message - get your ish together and stop waiting on a female to take care of you.  If your mom is taking care of you, you might as well just stay there because this day and age, I don't know many females (with common sense) who is going to work on a daily basis and try to make a decent living while you sit at home and do absolutely nothing.  I understand you may need to stay at home because times are hard right now, but come on - after a while, your need to stay at home is no longer a need, it is your mom letting you be lazy because deep down inside she doesn't want to let you go and she feels like no other woman is going to take care of you the way she does.  Guess what?  She's probably right about that so if that's the life you want to live, you might has well just stay at your crib.  

3.  Get in shape

How about some of you get in shape!  And for the rest of you, stop being so shallow!  My weight has nothing to do with my life.  You want all these skinny chicks, but I know some skinny hood rats that will give you pure hell and I know some plus size divas that will be with you through thick and thin, instead of putting you through drama.  Behind my weight, you will find a civil engineer that graduated from college with a 3.0.  I have a great job working for a government agency (with awesome benefits - LOL).  I'm a writer for two agencies and I'm working on other goals that I want to accomplish.  Honestly, I can tell you that I don't necessarily have a type.  If you treat me right and act like you have some sense and you seem to be getting your life together, we can chill.  As for a relationship thing, we can see how things go.  But I know what it's like to be judged because of my size and I don't wish to put anyone through that type of pain.  If another person is hurt for that reason, I can assure you that it won't be because of me.  

4.  Tone down with the God stuff, really!

I understand that you want to be my knight and shining armor and that you want to provide, but I have found in my young life instead of y'all sticking through tough situations, y'all either shut down or straight up leave the relationship.  The one thing that has never left me has been God.  When I was in the hospital, my ex came to see me for a total of about 2 hours.  When I spent the following week on bed rest, he came to visit me one time and we lived less than a mile a part.  When I was sick and needed to go to the ER, another ex wouldn't answer his phone, even though I did the whole phone code thing we had set up.  When my car caught on fire (with me in it), instead of my ex asking me if I was OK, he laughed.  I could go on with a lot of scenarios, but I think you get the point.  However, let me make this really clear - until you prove to me that you will be there for me 24/7 (much like how you expect me to be there for you), Jesus it shall be!

5.  Shut up and get off the phone

Now, I have to admit, we are really weird like that and we like to post stuff and share things.  We are social creatures, but since I am an only child, I really don't need social interaction like that.  I'm perfectly fine with doing things on my own.  However, do us a favor (when we are with you) and turn the music down in the car so we can have a conversation with you.  The last time I hung out with someone that was interested in me (so I thought), his music was up so loud that I stopped talking to him because I could barely hear myself.  I pulled out my phone.  He got mad.  I told him if he would turn down his music, I would talk to him.  He said, "No one has ever complained about my music".  However, I realize I was a few years older than him and the maturity level was quite different.  

6.  Get out the club...NOW!

Same to you!  Unless you are a dj, club promoter, or someone else that needs to be in the club every weekend, I need for you to find something else to do with your time.  There is plenty to do.  Go to the aquarium, museum, zoo, church, volunteer, movies, anything but be in the club every weekend.  We all know nothing good comes out the club.  Also, I'm not trying to go bail you out of jail every weekend.  You don't even get a get out of jail pass with me.  I'm not dealing with that.  If I can hold my liquor and figure out a way to get home, I need for you to be man enough to do the same.  Just do the adult thing and grow out the club.  Unless you fall into one of the previously mentioned categories that keep you in the club, I need for you to do better.  

7.  Your facebook page is your worst enemy

Now, I know guys don't post much on facebook, but when you do, y'all be going in.  It's like y'all be trying to make up for lost time or something.  Calm that down or either find another means of expressing yourself.  Then y'all be mad about us being half naked in our photos.  Well damn, y'all do the same thing.  I cannot tell you how many times this week I have seen dudes in photos showing off their summer bodies and chest and back tattoos.  If you can show off all your hard work, don't be made when chicks do the same thing.  Now, you won't find me half naked because my body is not built for all that, but you get my point.  

8.  Carry yourself like someone who actually likes women.

If you are a straight man and you wearing skinny jeans, I'm going to question your sexuality.  Also, if someone steps to you and I have to defend you instead of the other way around, I'm going to have to distance myself from you.  I'm not saying you have to be soft, but please know your emotions - we like to see them every once and a while.  I know y'all like to put up that hard demeanor, but there has to come a point where you are going to need to have a soft side.  For instance, if I have been through a traumatic experience, I need for you to be real with me and help me understand what is going on with you.  Please actually act like you want me.  I'm not in this whole dating thing just to be dating.  I'm over that.  I'm looking for a boyfriend to become a fiance, that will turn into a wonderful husband and father.  If you are dating for anything other than that outline, do yourself a favor and not even step to me.  

9.  Know your role.

If you want us to know our role, do your role.  Be a father to these kids.  Be a man for these women who have given you your children (I don't care if that means more than one woman).  You were there at one time, so you need to be there for at least 18 years.  If you don't want us in other roles that we are not supposed to be in, stop leading us on and making us believe we are in those roles.  If you are just looking for friendship, be honest about it.  If you are looking for sex, let me know and I will tell you to go find someone else to deal with.  You want us to earn your trust, then act like we can trust you.  If you over there eyeing everything else that walks by you, then yep, we are going to have a problem with that and we are probably going to let you know, no mater what role we are in.  No woman wants to be made to feel like she is less than someone else, so please work on that.  

10.  Temper your expectations.

I don't think you need to temper expectations, but both sexes need to have realistic ones.  Personally, I think most of y'all are looking for something that just stepped of America's Next Top Model.  Well, let me tell you something, the average size of a woman is 14 to 16 and I honestly don't remember the last time Tyra had someone of that size on her show.  The fact of the matter is that there are a lot of plus divas that would be a good match for you, but you are too ashamed or embarrassed of what your friends and family might thing (see numbers 1 and 2) that you miss out on a good thing.  Go out and experience new things, travel to new places, and experience things you have never before - you might be surprised as who will meet.  Also keep this in mind, the person you need is not always the person you necessarily ever saw yourself with.  

Honorable Mention:  

You don't want us comparing you to our friends boyfriends / husbands, so please stop comparing us to every other female you see on the street.  We are not them and you don't know our struggle and why we are the way we are.  Did it ever occur to you that we have such a hard exterior because one of your male counterparts made us feel so bad that we don't want to deal with the rest of you?  You always complain about how we act so hard, but when you've been hurt a time or two, you learn how to put up that exterior.  

Yes, I know that each time you say hello, you are not flirting, but not everyone knows that.  I don't know how to make females understand that, but I need to figure out how to make males understand that.  I like to talk to people and I smile at them and then that is somehow seen as flirting - um, no.  I'm just being nice because I like meeting new people.  Don't stalk me after that because then, I won't even be your friend.  

Yes, I've read both of Steve Harvey's books, but I also have my own mind.  I hope you do too.  

Well, that is all I have and I hope I did this response to Evan's post justice.  Comments are welcome, but as always, be nice and respect the thoughts of others.  I will delete your comment if I feel it is coming from a mean place because that is not how people should be treated.  

Added 08/11: Please note that I am not talking directly to or about Evan.  I don't know him like that.  I'm getting to know him as a writer and for that alone, he is alright with me.  "You" is plural.  I know not all guys are like this, just like Evan knows not all females are like in his article.  However, I think we both know enough people that has given us excellent basis for both our posts.  

6 comments:

  1. OMG...this is so good. Everyone, but everyone talks bad about the black woman. Which means she is "ONE HELL OF A GIRL"........

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    1. Sherlyn, Thank you so much for your comment. I hope you also took the time to read Evan's original post. You are right - we are constantly talked about, but that is alright. I learned a long time ago that in order for people to talk about me, I must be doing something right. We, black females as a whole, should feel the same way. However, I believe both our posts run deeper than that. We discuss black females because that is what we know. However, females (in general) seem to get a bad rap, but that's alright. It only makes us stronger.

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  2. ive read both posts and i agree with both, more so with yours shayla, very interesting read and with a lot of truth, look forward to more!!!!!!

    love kirstyn (ur new irish fan) lol

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    1. Kirstyn, Thank you so much for reading and for the kind words. I'm glad that you could look at both posts and think about it from both sides. I welcome you as a new fan and I look forward to hearing more from you. You can keep up to date with me on twitter and instagram @TheShaylaEm. :)

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  3. hahahaha!! Loved how you went down the list item by item, showing the fellas the flip side of their views. And you are correct - though many of these male prejudices apply to women of all races, they are directed primarily at black women (I've never heard a man of any other race say "know your role" for instance); thus it is appropriate that your response be from the BW's perspective.

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    1. Deborrah, Thank you for your comment. I feel like we are given such a bad reputation with our own men, but yet they are mad when we go on to another race. I also agreed with your post how the original post seemed to be based on a reality show, which is always edited to make us look bad.

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