This may be a difficult post. This may be a long post. This may turn out to be one of my favorite posts. I'm not sure, but I do know this - I've waited a long time to get to this point in my life and it makes me so happy to be able to share this with you!
Eleven year ago, I gave birth to a stillborn son. Yes, I did name him, but because of the laws in my home state at the time, I was not able to get a birth certificate because he was not at 20 weeks. The only thing I have left of him is his pillow, his prints, and some photos my wonderful nurse took for me. Within the past year, I've also gotten a tattoo of his prints. Out of all my ink, that is the one that gives me the most mixed emotions. I had it placed where I don't have to see it every single day, but when I want to look at it, it's right there.
Support for this issue, in my opinion, isn't too big. There is still a stigma attached to it. As for me, I tell people thank you when they tell me Happy Mother's Day, but at the same time, it's easier to answer no when people ask me if I have kids. It's just a whole conversation that I don't always feel like having. But what if I'm part of the problem by not wanting to have the conversation?
I've been torn between wanting to talk about this and not wanting to talk about this. I always lean towards not wanting to talk. But maybe it's time to talk. Maybe it's time to help someone like me. Well, without further ado, I present to you Project XT!
XT is the first and middle initial of my beautiful son. Everything I do in this work will be to talk about him, our journey, and how I feel on the day anyone asks me about it - believe me, different days breed different emotions. One part of this project that I have already started working on is creating blankets for Rainbow Babies. I've been trying really hard to come up with my own interpretation of Rainbow Baby so that I can explain it to you. However, nothing I have been able to come up with compares to the wording I saw on Today in 2015. It says a rainbow baby is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. Honestly, I could not have said it any better.
There are going to be more faces to this project and eventually, I want to set up a Project XT in each part of the United States and even around the globe. I know what I went through when dealing with this loss and no amount of words could make it better. Sometimes, I just wanted someone to sit with me and not talk, but just sit with me and let me cry. Eleven years later, there are some days I still only want someone to sit with me and let me cry.
No, I haven't had my rainbow baby. Honestly, I'm not sure if I will. However, if I can help just one person going through this, I know that XT's death was not in vain.
Here is where I need your help. If you know of someone having their rainbow baby, I would absolutely love to send them a blanket. I only have a few made right now, but if you give me enough notice, I can have it ready for the birth. Take a look at my twitter page and you will find my email in my profile. When you email me, make sure you use the subject Rainbow Blanket. If you are wanting to help, please email me and use the subject Project XT.
I really look forward to giving away these blankets and adding people to my team. I know it's not a lot, but even the smallest of things go a long way.