Saturday, June 4, 2016

The me files

I have learned you seem to enjoy me more when I'm all the way open about the things I'm experiencing.  You like it when I talk about being sad.  You like it when I talk about my antics.  You like it when I talk about my hair (actually, I think yall liked that one the most).  Not saying you don't enjoy it when I do a backstage pass, but you seem to enjoy me the most when I'm talking about me.  Well, right now, you are about to get a big dose of me.

I had been torn between two topics today.  Honestly, both of them came to my mind this afternoon.  Actually, both of them happened because of a photo.  I had calmed my nerves, but then I saw the photo again on my other social network.  Those feelings just came flooding back.  I'll eventually make it to the original topic, but right now, I think it is time to talk about my reaction.  

Anxiety is a real brat.  It hits me when I least expect it.  It makes me wish things I don't want to wish.  It makes me feel things I don't want to feel.  It makes me sick when I want to feel on top of the world.  Yes, all of this happens while taking medication.  And yes, my med is working because that list was a lot deeper a few months ago.  However, no matter what med I take, it doesn't take away the fact I have feelings and emotions, even though I try my best to mask those.  

Without telling you exactly what the photo was (because it honestly belongs in another post), I want to talk to you about my reaction.  Had my past not be my past, I probably would have acted a lot differently, but I just couldn't help myself.  As happy as I am for everyone (yes, I'm happy but my reaction is my truth), I feel just as much hurt for myself.  

Some days, I think my life is taking all these positive steps forward and then a noun makes me feel like those positive steps are only in my imagination.  I'm not exactly sure how to explain it because you will never get exactly where I am coming from, but I can explain my reaction.  

When I saw what I saw, my heart jumped.  It jumped in excitement, but them it sank with disappointment...disappointment in myself for being young and dumb and disappointment in myself because I am not even close to the goals I had set when I was a teen for this stage of my life.  I've been making an effort to use my Tumblr account more...well, more talking and not just about my photos.  Here is part of what I posted today...

For those of you not familiar with Tumblr, let me help you out.  It's just like Twitter, your most recent post is on the top.  The only thing I wish you could see was the time stamp between these two posts.  These could not have been more than 4 hours apart.  When it comes to my anxiety (yes, I can only speak for myself and my own experiences), it changes so quickly.  The top post is basically the beginning of an anxiety attack that started at work and didn't end until I showered and washed my hair tonight.  Why did it end at that point?  I guess because I was totally relaxed.
I was so excited this morning about getting my ticket to see Maroon5 with my amazing friends and then because of a photo, my world changed.  Yes, it may sound dramatic to you, but yes, it was my world.  

My anxiety attack today didn't look like me having shortness of breath (not to be confused with my asthma attacks) or me wanting to run and hide.  Today, my anxiety attack looked like me sitting at my desk at my office trying to keep myself together and not bust out into uncontrollable tears.  The top post was my way of dealing with the anxiety attack.  I couldn't write an entire blog post, but I could get something off my chest.  It helped me get through my last couple of hours at work.  My anxiety attack wasn't me almost passing out, it was me just sitting there and thinking dang, my life really sucks right now.  Ok, so you don't like the wording, but I'm giving it to you right now without a chaser.  One day, I'll tell you about the different anxiety attacks I've had, but for right now, please understand this - I don't have the same anxiety attack each time I have an anxiety attack AND neither do your friends or family who suffer from an anxiety disorder.   

I wish I could tell you this will never happen to me again, but that's not true.  As for me, I don't think you ever get rid of anxiety, I think you learn how to live with it and live with it fully.  I guess I'll eventually have to explain that statement too.  However, here is what I do believe - one day the photo that caused the attack will no longer bring on feelings of anxiety, but instead feelings of joy.  I cannot wait for that day to come.  But if it never comes, I will have the tools I need to deal with all the emotions the photo will throw my way.  

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