Saturday, July 2, 2016

Tears and fears

Each person with anxiety presents different.  No two people have the same exact anxiety triggers.  None of us have the same reactions to those triggers.  I think it is the many differences that make it so hard when trying to figure out this journey.  Even when it comes to myself, I be sitting there thinking this is not how is happened last time!  It's annoying to me and I'm the only dealing with it!  

This is how it went down - I was perfectly fine yesterday.  I had an awesome morning at work.  I  had a wonderful lunch with a great friend.  I had a great afternoon at the office.  
I came home and cooked.  Then all hell broke loose!!!  

I posted my madness on Twitter.  I had someone ask me what was wrong and I didn't answer.  It's not that I didn't want to answer, it was because I didn't have an answer.  I know what caused the initial thought (that will remain to myself and God), but I'm not exactly sure what caused the snowball effect.  It went downhill and it went downhill fast.  

Writing is what I do.  I love to write.  When I'm so out of my comfort zone that I cannot even write, there is a problem.  That is where I was last night.  I thought I could just take a shower and wash the anxiety away.  Usually, that works because of the way I shower - perfect water temp, music playing, and me singing my little heart out!  Well, that didn't work last night.  I tried to write...I really tried to write...I didn't work out for me.

I ended up going to bed around 9 last night.  Yep, Friday night and I was in bed by 9.  But did I go to sleep?  Um, that would be a negative.  Here is what my anxiety attack looked like last night...

...tears.  Straight up tears.  Just flowing straight down my face.  I couldn't help it.  I could breathe.  I knew where I was.  I was in my right mind.  I just couldn't see.  

I don't remember what time I fell asleep, but it did carry over into this morning.  Here is what I learned about this morning - my love loves me and all the madness that comes with me, even the anxiety.  He stayed with me (not until I came back to reality because that didn't happen until later in the day), but he did stay with me long enough to make sure I was ok.  And then all hell broke loose (for me) again.  He stayed with me through that, even though he was getting ready to leave.  

Throughout the day, he has continued to check on me.  I love him for that.  I love him because he loves me through all the pain, the madness, and whatever else I have that I'm dealing with at that moment and time.  

See, no difficulty breathing...just uncontrollable crying.  But when I came out on the other side, I felt so much better.  Right now, I feel so much better.  However, I know there will be a next time.  And just like this time, I'll be ready.  I'm always ready.  

Hello, world.  My name is Shayla and I have anxiety attacks.  


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