For the past couple of months, some of the really close people in my circle have known I have been torn about my current church home. And just for the record, this was going on long before the church drama that recently occurred started. I was feeling out of place. Not disconnected, just out of my element. Truth be told, I was in the process of looking for a new church and then this really great thing happened.
Let me clear this up, I know that small voice was the holy spirit speaking to me. It isn't the first time it has happened, but this is the quietest it has happened.
My main reason for knowing the holy spirit was speaking to me about church was because my job is going fantastic. Seriously, I couldn't be happier going to work. I have an awesome boss, my coworkers are cool, and the office itself is one of the chillest places ever. Nothing is wrong at work and that makes me so happy to be able to go to work and actually enjoy going to work.
My second reason is a little bit longer. I do several things at church. I co-lead a small group (which is essentially a Bible study group). I also write some of the devotionals that are posted on the church website. In fact, I have one due tomorrow. So, let's start with the devotionals. As you can see, I truly love to write. Writing for the church allows me to connect more with my spiritual side. Believe me, after some of the days I have, I need a little bit more than just some quiet time with Jesus - I need to write! This gives me a chance to do so. The really cool part is that most of the assignments I am given are right in line with what I need to be learning at the moment. Funny how that happens, but at the same time, it really isn't because I know it is the holy spirit. When it comes to the small group, my reasons for staying go so much deeper. Some moments, I'm scared the group will not stay together if I leave. I'm sure we will have remain to have relationships with each other, but I know I won't be seeing them each Saturday that we have scheduled to meet if I were to leave. There would not be this feeling of I have to make sure these ladies are ok this week.
Please understand, I love everything about being a co-leader for this group, but partially caring for the spiritual well-being of other people is a tall order. I'm responsible for not only my spiritual well-being, but the well-being of those who have trusted me with that (and right now, that is about 8 other people). If I were to leave, I would be concerned about missing important events in their lives. But at the same time, if they really wanted me there, they also know I'm just a phone call or a text away. Then, there is this feeling of if I were to leave the church, I would basically be breaking up with some of the people in my group. Don't get me wrong, there have been people who have left the church and I still am in contact with them. I don't talk to them or see them as much as I would like, but we are still in contact. However, at the same time, I admit I stay in contact with the people I want to stay in contact with. That one is a bit of a double edge sword, but I will direct you to my post about being an introvert to help you understand the madness a little bit more.
There are a few more things, but those will remain between God and I. It's weird because those nearest to me know exactly what I have been going through and now those who read this will know too. However, this has just been a hard process and I know that God is not done with me or the journey He currently has me on. It has been a rough few months concerning this issue, but I am thinking since He has spoken to me very softly and clearly, He was just reminding me that He is working in a mysterious way.
If it weren't for some of my close friends (that I basically talk to every single day), I honestly think I would have lost it by now. I love the fact I have close friends who understand me and accept me for who I am, even on those days when I feel all over the place.
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Photo credit: Jonah Short via Visual hunt / CC BY
Photo credit: ky_olsen via Visual hunt / CC BY Follow