Sunday, November 20, 2016

Wet Eyes

I woke up at 5:30am today and I hit the ground running.  I was so productive and I was so happy because of my productivity.  However, during one of my store adventures, something stopped me dead in my tracks.  Like, if I would have been driving, I would have slammed on breaks and left tire tracks in the road.


  
I was checking out at one of the places I went to this morning and the sweet lady who checked me out asked, "Are you Christmas shopping"?  I told her I wasn't just yet, but I had made my list and just scoping things to buy for the people on it.  The next thing she said to me, although wasn't bad at all, just shocked me.  In her sweet and cheerful voice she said, "well, just wanted to let you know we have toys on sale".  I simply told her thank you for the information and she continued with checking me out.  

I was sort of thrown off because I have no ring on my finger, but I do accept the fact that I'm of childbearing age (actually, I feel like I'm heading towards the outside edge of childbearing age).  However, I think I felt some type of way about her making that assumption about me.  I wasn't mad, it was just yet another reminder of the child I delivered, but never got to bring home.  


I wholeheartedly admit the holiday season is still tough for me when it comes to the loss of my son, even though it happened over a decade ago.  I still look at the Christmas bibs and wonder what he would have looked like in them.  I pass by all the Santas and wonder if he would have been scared of him or if he would have actually smiled in his photo.  I wonder what it would be like to have the high chair at the table during Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.  I think about if my parents would have gone back to having a live tree full of all the decorations he would have made in school.  I wonder how overboard I would go with Christmas shopping just for him to love the box it came in even better.  Truth be told, I'm surprised I didn't just start bawling while I was checking out, but I somehow managed to keep it all together.  And my biggest surprise of the day is that I never even cried.  I teared up a little bit writing this post, but my face wasn't wet.  

I know she was doing her job, but you have to be so careful what you say to people.  Not  because people are so sensitive, but because some people have really gone through horrible experiences.  I'm not saying walk on eggshells, but just think for a moment.  I don't know what else she could have told me to ease the pain, but maybe that is why I didn't lose it because I knew she meant no harm.  On the other hand, maybe I've gotten this bit of madness out of the way so I can fully enjoy my holiday season.  Everything happens for a reason, right?  

Photo via Visualhunt 
Photo via Visual Hunt

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