I had a really bad anxiety day yesterday. Luckily, I was only working half a day because I had to go to the dentist. However, I think if I would not have been leaving anyway, I would have found a reason to leave. All morning long, I sat at my desk and did my work. But while I was doing my work (and holding back the tears that wanted to fall) I just kept thinking why am I here?! It was quite frustrating.
Now, before you start freaking out on me, get the suicide thought out of your head. Right now, all my of my anxiety is NOT towards being suicidal - it's towards feeling like no matter what I do, it's never enough.
As much as I love this blog and participate in the blogger community, some days I feel like I just don't do enough. I see people with less followers than me have more popular blogs. Not jealous, but I just wonder, why am I not enough? I do my best to write constantly and I'm on social media trying to stay connected and to connect with other bloggers, but for some reason, some days, I want to quit this. I hate feeling like that because in all honesty, some days my blog is the only thing that seems normal.
Then work is making me scratch my head. My boss told me something last week (don't worry, it wasn't anything bad) and I feel like I spent most of my Friday night trying to read between the lines. As much as I tried not to think about it, it just kept coming back to the forefront of my thoughts. Then today, I found out some news at work and I did my absolute best to keep a poker face. However, because of what happened next, I'm pretty sure I didn't because I think my boss told me something to help me ease my mind. I'm at a very interesting place at work because I could stay in my department (which is absolutely awesome) and wait for a promotion or a performance raise. On the other hand, I look at the job openings now and think this is a great opportunity. All the while thinking, am I going to be enough?
Finally, life in general is just kicking my behind right now. I'm loving life. It's forcing me to be a bit adventurous and take some chances, but it also needs to chill. In a tweet chat I participated in today, one of the questions posed was are you where you thought you would be right now? Without a shadow of a doubt, I can be unapologetic and say this - heck to the no!!! In my eyes (gotta make that part clear), I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be or should be in life right now. However, I have made peace with the fact I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now (that part was hard). On the other hand, I cannot help but to say an angry prayer and ask the God I worship when is enough going to be enough? Yeah, some days, it's just that friggin hard and quite frankly, I'm tired of it. And before you come for me and say "it could be worse", I am fully aware that it could be worse...ESPECIALLY since I walked past a homeless guy (this morning) sleeping in the lobby of the parking deck I park in for work because he was looking for a warm and dry place to sleep. I get it! I have my basic needs - food, clothing, and shelter. But we all have these little extra things called wants...and don't tell me you don't have them because you are straight up not telling the truth.
Life comes at you fast. It's just that in the past few weeks, I feel like it has been coming towards me in the form or a bus, train, or anything else that can physically cause me to just lie down and give up. I need a break. Not a vacation - I've had 2 of those in the past 6 weeks. I legit need a break and I'm going to find time to take one. Don't worry, I always let you know when these happen. But something has got to give because it's time for me to learn (again), that me, myself, and I - well, it's time for me to learn that we are enough.
Note: Photos courtesy of Pexels!